Talking about my own depression has never been an easy thing. I used to hide it, conceal it, and even pretend to myself that maybe I wasn't struggling. However, every time it happened, my heart screams loudly: WHY ME?!
As I learned psychology and neurology in late 2014, I began to understand. Gradually, as I started to face it, I started to accept it, and I started to feel less negative about it. That attitude changes directed me onto the right track of dealing with it in a positive way.
In autumn 2015 in NYC, when I sat down in the park at sunset, it all just came to me in a powerful way. So I wrote it down.
--Xiaojie Qin
Founder and Executive Director of CandleX
談論起我自己的
抑郁癥真不是件容易的事。我曾隱藏它、掩蓋它甚至假裝自己沒有在掙扎。然而，每次它發(fā)生的時候，我的內(nèi)心在大聲尖叫：為什么是我？！
2014年年底，當我了解了心理學和神經(jīng)病學之后，我開始明白。漸漸地，我開始面對它，我開始接受它，我開始覺得這件事沒那么糟糕。這種態(tài)度的轉變指引我走上正確的軌道，讓我以一種積極的方式應對它。
2015年秋在紐約，日落時分，我坐在公園里，這一切只是以強大的方式出現(xiàn)在我面前。所以，我寫了下來。
---秦小杰
CandleX創(chuàng)始人和執(zhí)行董事
Autumn of 2015, I was visiting the New York City. I joined a walking tour, and the very interesting guide took us to one of the sites: 911 memorials. This is a very interesting memorial, given that instead of building something UP, this one is going back down into the earth.
The water falls into this seemly endless hole. As I looked down, the sense of loss, unknown, confusion arose.
2015年秋，我在紐約市游覽。我參加了一次徒步旅行，一位很有趣的導游帶我們?nèi)サ牡攸c之一：911紀念館。這是一個非常有趣的紀念，因為這個建筑要向下指向地球，而不是向上建。
水流匯入這無盡的深淵。當我向下看時，失落感、未知感、混亂感油然而生。
After that, I went to the Battery Park at sunset, my thoughts started to flow, so I started writing them down on my cellphone.
在那之后，我在日落時分去了炮臺公園，我的思緒開始流淌，所以，我就開始把他們寫到我的手機里。
Why me? That's the question I kept asking again and again compulsively when going through my darkest depressive episodes.
為什么是我？這就是當我經(jīng)歷最黑暗的
抑郁發(fā)作時一遍又一遍地問自己的問題。
"I have tried to do everything right, having healthy diet, always being careful of the friends that I make, working hard, exploring my interests and staying active, and stay away from bad relationships. Yet, I get into the darkest moments of life where the world collapsed on me for no reason. What did I do to deserve all this? I have done everything I can and there is just no more left in me to change this. Out of all the illnesses, I have to have this?!" I felt I was being buried alive and no one noticed.
“我試圖做一切對的事情，健康飲食，謹慎交友，努力工作，探索興趣，保持活躍，遠離不良的人際關系。然而，我進入人生最黑暗的時刻，那里我的世界毫無緣由地崩塌了。我到底做了什么要承受這一切？ 我已盡我所能了，沒有別的辦法去改變這種狀況。在所有的疾病中，我必須得這個？！”我覺得自己被活埋了，也沒有人注意到。
On top of all sadness, pain, numbness, loss of energy, words, and the ability to
smile or feeling the existence of any kind of loving relationship, I let this abusive voice torture me endlessly. It's a daily monologue that my mind created. It's a daily despair that I struggled with. It pointed it out to me that I had gone crazy inside.
除了所有的悲傷、痛苦、麻木，以及精力、言語和微笑或感受任何形式的愛的能力的喪失，我讓這個辱罵的聲音無休止地折磨著我。這是我心靈創(chuàng)造的日常獨白。這是我每天掙扎的絕望。它指出，我的內(nèi)心已經(jīng)瘋了。
It's hard to accept that I have bipolar disorders. For years, I didn’t even think about it myself. Obviously, ignoring it didn't make it go away. It came back to me, staring at and hunting me until I was in the corner and had to try to accept it, acknowledge it and learn to live with it.
接受自己患有雙相情感障礙的事實太難了。多年來，我甚至沒有想起過它。很顯然，忽略它并不能讓它消失。它回來找我，盯著我，追捕我，直到我在角落里，不得不嘗試接受它，承認它，并且學會適應它。
Very slowly, I learned to challenge the abusive monologue that tells me that I am not enough, and ask: if it were my best friend, would I still get so angry with her when she’s feeling down and totally vulnerable? No, I would be gentle and say that I am here, and tell her that you are a wonderful person even though you absolutely don't feel like it, and I would just be patient and let her know that this shall pass.
That was the moment I finally, finally, finally changed my perspective. I started to treat myself with compassion.
慢慢地，我學會了挑戰(zhàn)那些說我不夠好的辱罵性獨白，并問自己：假如是我最好的朋友，我還會在她情緒低落，完全不堪一擊的時候跟她這么生氣嗎？ 不，我會溫柔地說，我在這里，并告訴她，你是一個了不起的人，即使你完全不覺得，我只想耐心地告訴她，一切都會過去。
就在那一刻，我終于，終于，終于改變了我的觀點。我開始慈悲地對待自己。
Yes, sometimes in my life, I can’t be this productive, confident, fun and smart, and sometimes I seem to have lost interests in everything that I love. I seem bored, lazy, weak and like a zombie. It’s okay. It’s okay!
是的，有時候在我的生命中，我不可能這么富有成效、自信、有趣和聰明，有時候我似乎對我所愛的一切失去興趣。我似乎覺得無聊、懶惰、軟弱，像一具僵尸。沒關系。沒關系！
Every day, many people in this world are told that they have cancer, or they lose their arms in a car accident, or they lose a loved one to a terrorist attack. Why them? Why anyone?
We can't afford asking "why me?” . It straps us in trauma instead of helping us to learn a new skill to cope. Perfection is the devil's voice that tells us that we are not enough. It pushes down whatever we build up, and it slaves us.
每天，在這個世界上，很多人被告知，他們得了
癌癥，或者他們在一場車禍中喪失雙臂，或者在一次恐怖襲擊中他們失去心愛的人。為什么是他們？
我們負擔不起問“為什么是我？”的代價。它會把我們捆綁在痛苦經(jīng)歷中，而不是幫助我們學習新技能來應對。完美是魔鬼的聲音，它告訴我們，我們是不夠的。它推翻我們所建的一切，它奴役我們。
I don't know what abusive voices you may be experiencing. if you do hear it, just be your own best friend and know that you've been trying your best in life. Sometimes in the life of Marathon, I have to crawl, and I don't seem to make any progress on the track. But now, I have learned to look at it a different way. As long as I am hanging in there, I am winning.
我不知道你可能會遇到什么辱罵的聲音。如果你聽到它，就做你自己最好的朋友，知道你在生活中一直在盡自己中最大的努力。有時候，在生活的馬拉松中，我不得不爬，在賽道上我似乎沒有任何進展。但現(xiàn)在，我學會了用不同的眼光看它。只要我還在那里堅持著，我就贏了。
健客－國家藥監(jiān)局認證的合法網(wǎng)上藥店，致力于打造優(yōu)質(zhì)、低價、便捷的網(wǎng)上藥店和做最值得信賴的智慧健康服務平臺